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To the Woman I Want to Build My Life With

I’d refer to you by name, but for now it’s best I don’t but at least you know who you are.

Everyone I’ve met thus far in my life has played a part in my story. And while some have taken up chapters, most just scribbled notes in the margins.

You are the one I want to grace all of the pages I have yet to write.

I’ve made no secret of the misfortunes in my life.

You expect your mid-20s to be a time for starting your life as an adult. You start a career, settle down with the one you love, and look to build a beautiful family together.

I wanted that — more than anyone. I dreamed of being a husband and eventually a father. Unfortunately, it just wasn’t my time. So instead of starting my life, I had to pick up the shattered pieces to one that was once filled with so much promise — alone.

There are no words to describe that type of pain. It just hurts… like hell. The sun doesn’t shine as brightly, life moves a little bit slower, and your heart — it just doesn’t beat the same way anymore.

There’s this numbness — to everything.

And so for the longest time, I’ve ventured along this broken road in hopes I would find something that would give my heart every reason to beat normally again. Pain made me fear it wouldn’t, but faith led me to believe it would.

Regardless, I’ve journeyed. Along the way, life has pulled me in different directions, introduced me to new people, and given me a completely new perspective.

As I began to open the doors to another potential relationship, I forced myself to be extremely selective. I’m no longer 20-something looking for a girlfriend. 

“Settling for mediocre love isn’t something I am willing to do. Not in this life anyway.”

Someone to complement me, and conquer everything with — one who will stand by my side and love me no matter where this journey takes us.

Needless to say, what I’m looking for today is a lot different than ever before.

But I don’t believe in using others as a Band-Aid to a cover up a wound, either.

Sure, I get lonely at times (a lot of times, actually). But you have to reserve that spot for someone special. If you give it away freely, it loses meaning, and you’ll never fully appreciate the right person when they do come along.

Time is so damn important. It’s precious and should never be wasted on someone who doesn’t make your heart scream. So I’m hesitant in giving it just to anyone. I love a woman’s companionship, but I’m not desperate for attention. While most men find value in making themselves available to any woman that gives them the time of day, I’ve made myself unavailable to most. Unorthodox, yes… but I value quality over quantity.

As for the ones who have gotten my time? Some have been kind, others not so much — yet none have ever made my heart beat the way it once did.

I guess I expect to look at someone and just want every piece of them in my life. Their mind, body and soul… their hopes, dreams and fears.

I’ve thought at times, “Maybe it’s me. Maybe I just don’t have the emotional capacity to feel that strongly for someone again.”

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