inside my soul: feelings that i feel

The repetitiveness of living alone whittles me down. You are advised to establish a routine when you are depressed and alone. You are told that this is the best way to take your mind of existential dread and the only way to get out of this terrible weight of loneliness. But it is really not a one size fits all solution. After a while all I feel is disappointment, upon waking up I am immediately disappointed that I have woken up instead of having died in my sleep. I wish intensely every night that I could have a heart attack in my sleep and pass away calmly. Nobody would know or care about this death. It would not bother anyone until the body is found and even then they could just throw out the bed and freshen up the room. Problem solved and it is as if I’d never even been here.


The pain of being alone is a vice grip on my heart. Is it self pity or fear that causes it, like the side-liners and commentators say? Is it a mental block that can be removed according to professionals? Perhaps it should be acknowledged that out of 7 billion people there are those beyond saving like myself. It is well, well within sound statistical probability that some are just made to be alone and to suffer the pain it causes. Luck of the draw.

But pain is also incredibly exhausting. It is a weariness that comes from the absolute murkiest depths of your heart and mind. You didn’t even know that it was there until it crushes you like a wave and destroys the civil rational parts of you. Then you want to cry but you cannot because it’s a sign of weakness and defeat for not being able to turn around the hand you’re dealt. Nobody can change you but you, they tell you.


I want to downplay it too. The world is inflated with demands of positivity, over wholesomeness pumped and packaged to give us hope when the top strata of society inflicts scams of debt, war, and resource mismanagement upon the most vulnerable people. But we must downplay the root problems, we must pop the gold crown onto the decaying tooth with its nerve exposed, so the reasons for loneliness and pain are obfuscated under decadence and splendor.

Why must we be so? We all recognize the deep depression inside us but we choose to let it slide away through distraction. We make attempts to dig it out but never let it come to fruition, because that hopelessness is so deep and hangs on with hooked talons onto our backs. We wake up, clean off the remnants of our scars and begin the day anew like Prometheus bound to the rock. Despite what we write, despite how we feel.

But still I pray every night I would pass away gently in my sleep.

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