mindfulness hope

Burdens of the mind

I left the house with the intention of going to the liquor store. There are about 5 liquor stores within walking distance of where I live. When I say  walking distance, I mean 10 minutes away (on foot). I decided to go the one that was the farthest away, partially because I wanted the walk to take longer, but also because the store was rarely packed, and I could purchase my little bottle of gin and tonic and be on my way in minutes.

I put on my jacket and shoes, started playing Dawn FM by The weekend , and plugged in my earphones before heading to the liquor store.

When I arrived, there was a long line at the store. It was a holiday eve before Easter , so I should have expected it. I patiently waited as a husband and wife purchased a case of beer and a bottle of wine while arguing about whether they should break the fast at their house or her mother’s. The owner interrupted them and said

“That’ll be ksh 2000 ” 

The husband paid and they left. Finally, it was my turn. When I discovered there was no refrigerator in sight, I requested the bottle of gin but opted to fetch the tonic somewhere else. I gave the man my money and began walking along the cobblestones. I tucked the gin into the inside pocket of my raincoat. Now, I wouldn’t have been condemned as it was late at night and the eve of Easter, but I didn’t feel like the guise of seasonal holiday induced alcoholism would be enough of a cover story for my affinity to drink more than I normally did during the holiday season.

I got to one of the stores that I thought would probably have royal tonic stocked in the fridge. I should mention that I don’t like the store attendant. He sort of served you like he had a pot of stew burning in the back that he needed to constantly tend to.

I got my cold royal tonic from the dismissive store attendant and started walking home. It had begun to rain. It was a light drizzle, the type you feel from a shower head with gentle pressure. On my way down, I decided to take a few sips of my gin so I’d enjoy the rain and music more. 

Alcohol has a strange effect of calming me down, allowing me to lose control, and erasing my inhibitions. With each drink, I let go of my inhibitions. With each step, I walked further away from the bondage of a being that spread itself too sparsely across multiple timelines.

The rain continued to fall as the buzz of the alcohol grew louder. I  continued to walk in the opposite direction of my house since I didn’t want the walk to come to an end. I drank more and walked more. Droplets of rain slid off my face and sipped into my hair. My face was both frigid and warm at the same time. Warm inside from the alcohol and unburdened mind yet still cold and sensitive to the extremities. I was in a trance-like state, taking in everything around me: the rain, music, and booze…

Prior to the walk, I felt relieved of all the burdens of the mind.

I wasn’t considering it …

I wasn’t thinking of anything. I wasn’t thinking about the past, the future, or even the present. My thoughts were rudimentary and visual. My mind and body felt one, and I revelled in the fact that I was alive and that my senses were being stimulated by my surroundings. I kept walking till the rain stopped, closing my eyes and tilting my head to the sky as I circled back home. 

I was buzzed, warm, cold and wet. At the time, I was so lost in existence that I felt non-existent.

I was home …

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